Sometimes I wish I was married. I used to be, but now I’m not. I haven’t been the second half of a larger whole for a long time. My marriage ended suddenly in 2001. Since then I’ve had one semi-serious relationship. Serious as in I would have spent the rest of my life by his side. Semi as in he had a little problem with fidelity. We were engaged for about a year.
For the past few years I haven’t even went out on a date. It’s not that I haven’t had any offers. I just haven’t had any interest. I find that most men define ‘just friends’ by the same definition as ‘friends with benefits‘. Dating is after all, a process of selecting the one person with whom you want to share the rest of forever with. Am I right?
I could write a book on all the weirdoes that I have been propositioned by. The hardest part would be convincing a publisher that it was actually non-fiction. If it weren’t for the fact that I was present, and awake, I wouldn’t believe it.
First, there’s David. Poor David. He means well. He’s been a good friend. He offered to be my stupid boyfriend, pay all my bills and give me lots of money. His words, not mine. I had been meaning to order one of those, thanks David. No, I didn’t take him up on it. And I told him never to say that to anyone else, ever again. If it were a lesser person they would take him up on it. He deserves better than that. But, then again, if it makes him happy. David also has picked out a house for us and he plans to spend the rest of his life with me. Course, it wasn’t until after he went house shopping that he clued me in on his plans. Forget the fact that we are not even dating.
Donald, now there’s a work of art. I’m just not sure what part of the gallery to hang him. Donald wants to be my sugar daddy. He doesn’t want a relationship. He just wants me to be available when his needs arise. Did I mention, Donald is married? I barely speak to this man at work. I have never seen him outside work. I’ve told him I don’t do those things. I’m trying to be a more Godly person. He should seek out someone else. Donald says the Bible says if you have committed adultery in your heart, you are already guilty of adultery. And since he’s has, on many occasions, committed adultery in his heart with me, then we might as well do it for real. His words. Mine were more like, just because you have committed adultery in your heart, doesn’t mean that I have. Donald is now in love with me and he must stay away so that he doesn’t get “those” feelings when he’s around me. Good.
Most of my friends and both of my daughters are married. I listen and watch them. It reminds me of why I’m not sad to be uninvolved. I’m thoroughly convinced most people don’t have a clue what love truly is.
Love has to start with friendship. Love that doesn’t have friendship is just lust. Lust lasts only as long as that person is hot. Trust is essential to love. Love cannot survive without it. Everyday that love tries to exist without trust it dies a little more until eventually it’s completely gone.
There are many other things that help love thrive. Common ground, a good sense of humor , and patience are very important to love.
What I don’t see very often in most relationships is a sense of individualism. I realize you are taking two and turning them into one to make something new. It is a union of two people. One doesn’t cease to exist because they have joined with another. Quite the contrary, the opposite should be true. Within the bonds of marriage each one should be allowed to grow and mature. It’s not love to think that the other person can have no life outside of you. If you truly love them give them space. They need privacy. They need their own friends. Not everything in their life has to be directly related to you. What they gain from outside interest they bring back to you. It may be that they gain an experience they can share with you. It may be a sense of freedom and renewal, or growth and maturity. It expands them as a person and thereby causes your love to grow. Encourage the one that you love to fully live so that they can fully love you.
I’ve noticed a cell phone can be a modern means of control and harassment. Does your spouse have to jump to every text message, voice mail or call you make? Getting mad because the other person doesn’t answer by the second ring is not love or concern. It’s called not trusting someone. I know couples that have to have the other’s password to their email or myspace. That kind of defeats the purpose of having your own space, doesn’t it? I mean, if it works for both parties, fine. I just don’t see anything wrong with wanting a little privacy, even in a marriage. That doesn’t mean you are doing something you need to hide. It just shows respect as a person.
I don’t understand the need to know everything that is confided in your spouse. As long as the friendship is one that doesn’t threaten the marriage in the first place. What I mean is, if the friend isn’t the opposite gender and they haven’t given you reasonable cause for worry. We were all created to need others. Not everything a friend confides is something they would feel comfortable with anyone else knowing. You should respect that. Just because someone is the center of your universe doesn’t mean you are the only person in their world.
I’ve learned to never say never. For now tho, I’m going to say I am so glad I’m not married.
